Strangers have the best candy.
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The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Finally a use for spoilers…
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.