Strangers have the best candy.
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If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!