[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
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When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
12 yo: I say “mucho” to all my Spanish speaking friends
me: why?
12: bc it means so much to them
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
sry
Me: Remember when I rubbed you out?
Genie: Stop saying it like that.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF