Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.

[whale watching]

whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again

Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?

Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth

Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot

Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.

My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit

(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia

HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century

The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it

Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible

Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too

Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time

My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.

Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.

[First Date]

Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.

Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.

Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?

Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*

GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son

GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..

If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.

I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter

Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.

COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.

“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too

I was telling my daughter that she doesn’t need to take everyone’s opinion into account and said “like if (person) told me I am a bad mom, I wouldn’t really care because—“

My 6 year old: IF SOMEONE CALLED YOU THAT I WOULD HIT THEM IN THE FACE

How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?

a friend of mine dresses like Adam sandler but sometimes she’ll swap the oversized tee for a tiny top and she calls it the madam sandler

A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?

B: You mean a choir?

A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?

Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”

Me: We are underbudget this month!

Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*

ME: You’re making me rock hard.

MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?

ME:

I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.

Cop: And yet, here we are…

Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space

Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?