Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Romeo: *is added to DM room*

Juliet: *is taking a room break*

Romeo: *leaves room*

Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*

When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?

America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!

Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs

69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.

“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.

Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugar

Me too kid, me too

😭🤣

When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.

This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now

Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”

Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night

[bank robbery]

OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!

[dave starts doing the electric slide]

Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money

At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.

PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?

ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’

*priest slowly backs away*

It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.

Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.

Modded the new Gran Turismo

Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.

Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO

This one, by a wide margin

paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?

[from back of the room]: twitter

I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*

me: *falling asleep*

youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders

me: you have my attention

*1941 movie pitch*

“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”

Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”

Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻

men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes

Pickled cat.

Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?

RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers

my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers

Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…

Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.

Writer: No.

Disney: Just her mom?

Writer: No.

Disney: Her dad?

Writer: No.

Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?

Writer: Nobody dies!

Disney: Get out.