[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
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I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.