Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
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no such thing as a dumb question
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Picking up some anvils, tunnel paint, and dynamite balloons
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?
I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.