“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.
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People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
scientifically speaking, how long do you plan to be this stupid?
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
New favorite tiktok
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
[Me on Shark Tank]
*shows the sharks a picture of their families tied up*
I’m looking for 100k for the safe return of your families
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.