“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.
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I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]