Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.

My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.

Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…

*knocks on neighbor’s door*

May I borrow a cup of sleep?

When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that

psycho uses a TON of central framing and its making me so mad because you just KNOW that alfred hitchc*ck was doing it for the sake of tik tok video clips

doctor: you have no heart

me: okay wow that’s rude

doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive

demon living inside me: *to me* don’t

me: there’s a demon living inside me

demon: ugh

[psych ward]

me: this is nice they have jell-o

demon: ooo is it cherry

Me: can you come in here a second?

Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?

Me: not for you

19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’

Me: ‘It’s fine.’

WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine

I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.

It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.

I’m putting on weight for a movie

*eats popcorn in cinema

[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here

4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff

Me: But you don’t have any more money

4: That’s okay, we can use your money

Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.

[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*

My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume

Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??

My car:

Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?

While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!

You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back

when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone

Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”

Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”

Cop: …

I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers

Good news: multiple library patrons have said they love my Halloween costume. Bad news: I wasn’t aware I was wearing a costume.

Me: I wish I was super hot.

Menopause: Say no more, fam.

The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.

Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.

popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things

I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”