strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
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MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Friend at work gave me some edibles. So I’m taking the train instead of driving.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
knights of the ikea table
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
hello pervert is such a strong opener
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.