[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
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Alexa; make it look like an accident
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves