Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog after a walk in the woods.

My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.

If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.

Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov

Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa

Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod

*gets down on one knee*

Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?

me at 6:45 pm: eh the results tonight can only stress me out. prob just gonna ignore them entirely 🙂

me at 9:45 pm: WHERE ARE THE REST OF THE VOTES FROM MECKLENBURG COUNTY NORTH CAROLINA

My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it

Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day

My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.

as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree

I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?

I hope this email finds you in a well

You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical

Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?

Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie

Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me

Her: I love a bad guy

Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.

searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do

Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.

Question of the day :

If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?

i wonder if hootie ever experimented with other kinds of fish

[blind date]

Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS

Her: Hi, I’m Linda

Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*

“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name

I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.

I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.

I just want to turn off a light …

*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*