Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
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My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
fr
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?