Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
You Might Also Like
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
life lately
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Don’t snitch tag.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
#TopTip