Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday

me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: blurry

This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it

*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again

*getting the broom*

Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,

me: how do i get a girl to like me

dad: be mysterious

[ next day ]

her: hello

me: i’m in the witness protection program

Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.

“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”

*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?

Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.

What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”

Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.

i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix

Ok doc, give it to me straight.

“It’s cancer”

How bad?

“Really bad, you have 2 months.”

OMG

“APRIL FOOLS!”

Whew-

“You have 2 days.”

ME: I can’t find my sandals

WIFE: did you look everywhere?

ME: yes

WIFE: even down

ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on

Why can’t we have a civil debate?

– people who can’t even stay on topic

Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.

me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]

[1st date]

waiter: can I bring you anything?

her: maybe some Worcestersh–

me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–

her: and the check

[playing D&D&D]

Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?

amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂

me: it is not

amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂

me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox

amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?

me: that isn’t possible

amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))

ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”

We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?

ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking

Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day

Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.

Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.

celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave

Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter

yea so i messed up lol