Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
You Might Also Like
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.