Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.

Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between

You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together

If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.

There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.

this one has claws

This one swims but can’t fly

This one is huge & runs funny

This one bangs his head against trees

– god making birds

How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.

4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?

Me: No. You always go in the potty

4: I can stop

Me:

Apparently I negotiate with terrorists

Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.

Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:

Kids are painting the dog in the living room.

Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.

What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.

This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.

Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄

Me: I have shark like reflexes

“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”

Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*

Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you

Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.

…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt

Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart

Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”

i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me

Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.

Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them

How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?

– me watching my kids Christmas pageant

The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke

I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso

Conversations with my pets:

Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!

Me: Please could you
Cat: No.

The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.

“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”

I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.

Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.