Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[getting my license]

Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes

Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*

I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.

dog 911: what’s ur emergency?

dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE

dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?

dog: [whimpering]

dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass

There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.

Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this

I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.

Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.

Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.

Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart

My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.

This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”

*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?

My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.

When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?

Someone had to say it 🤷‍♂️

Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it

Me: *slowly opens pizza box*

Alien: dude

I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.

Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?

Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.

I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.

According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.

[my first day as a 911 operator]

*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy

Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open

MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit

I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.

I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible

I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.

You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.

I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.

Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.

I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.