Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
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Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.
same energy
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.