Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
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Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
So we got a goldfish…
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
house sitting!
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.