Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’
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*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?