Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.

I don’t hate children, just yours.

Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”

You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do

*first time fishing*

Me: Ok now what

Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth

Me: orkay nrow wrhat

I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.

COP: Tell me what you saw

ME: Jersey Boys

COP: *sighs* at the crime scene

ME: No, at the theatre

I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.

Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?

Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.

the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.

You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.

My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables

Him: Don’t make this weird.

Me: Then why am I even here?

If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??

I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle Sam

Dr Seuss’s CPA

“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”

Credit: AndrewBloch

I got a cease and desist letter from a Venezuelan gang because one of them saw me throwing signs at the botanical gardens the other day.

How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?

Do you just call them and say you can’t come

Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.

Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.

stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”

Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”

Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.

Everyone says “Do what makes you happy”, until you push them down the stairs.

The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.

I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards

I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.

[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]

“You see? She is both dead and al-”

“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”