streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
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“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis