Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
bad news gang
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
I’m quiet and not good at confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi: Beth & Greg, Why The Fuck Did You Have To Get A Rooster?
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
