Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: š¤
Streaming: okā¦how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya thatās the one
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you donāt, nerd
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
The human mind is capable of things you canāt even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
If by āmorning personā you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes Iām a morning person.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* Whatās this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kaleād me for the last time
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of āOn My Own.ā I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
āUgh fine whatās wrongdogā
Me: thank you so much for asking Iām doing terrible
āHow many lights do you wanton?ā
āItās too bright, can you dimsum?ā
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest Iāve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
therapist: these people who think youāre āfunnyā *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Bjƶrk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Both āHorridā and āCrummyā are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Him: I canāt sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I canāt sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didnāt do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HEāS UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
I hate long distance relationships so Iām moving the fridge to my bedroom.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no iām not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
I already know how it will endā¦
One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.
Her: I could tell you, but Iād have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..butā¦youā¦didnātā¦tellā¦me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes youāre too drunk to vacuum ?
One thing Iām good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They donāt come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: thatās right Ellen
Most people will give you their jacket if youāre naked and tell them you come from the future.
I bought a dog so I wouldnāt feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
