Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
they really wanted me dead for this
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
