Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
c’mon!
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
