Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?

… sounds better than tinder

Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”

Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.

Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.

Ugh, stalkers are horrible.

You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.

this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa

Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?

Me: *sprints up stairs

Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?

Me: this is so us

Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry

Her: ok

Waiter: good evening

Me: good evening Barry

Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle

I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.

No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.

Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.

I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday

Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?

[Cannibal Restaurant]

Waiter: Need anything else?

Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?

[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.

My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.

[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]

*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!

My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.

*sinks into depression*

Depression: “Wrong hole.”

👍

Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?

hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him

What do you hear?

Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage

When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”

They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now

In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.

In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.

How does a mule unlock a door?

With a don-key.

#MuleDay #RubbishJokes