Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
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Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
My coworker Fred got caught with an underaged girl and nobody laughed when I called him “The Fredator”
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.