Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
You Might Also Like
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks