Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
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During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??