Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
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The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Leaving the Barbers like
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Mountain Goat : )
I’m not saying my 6yo is dramatic, I’m just saying we heard a severe thunderstorm warning on the car radio, and he groaned and said ugh why does my day keep getting worse
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
I really need a sledgehammer for perfectly harmless reasons.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Worth the read.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary