Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
You Might Also Like
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
When I laugh on my period
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Running from your problems is cardio .
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.