Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
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Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
me hooking up with my ex
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination