Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
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[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
asking my bank if i can do extra credit
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
IT support is currently working on fixing the problem. Thanks for your patience.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend