I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
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Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*