Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
You Might Also Like
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?
It’s Journalism 101, people!
My so-called “friends” have asked that I stop referring to them that way.
Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?