“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
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What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*