“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
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Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
*lint rolls you awake*
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
HOW DARE YOU
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Tuesday
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?