“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
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If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Delighted to have won the freight contract to help Ukrai… never mind.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
My boyfriend & I each had a cat when we moved in together. Normally, mine sits with me and his sits with him. But tonight we are sitting in each others chairs, so now we are sitting with each others cats.
Turns out, our cats are attached to the spots they sit, not us at all 😂
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor