stressed, standing 10th in line when car drives up outside w/ music so loud that whole store hears the thump of the bass
Random Guy Behind Me: I used to play music that loud but I was a teen. I grew out of it
Me: I’m just glad you hear it, too. I was afraid it was my heart beat
insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Mad Max: Furry Road
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Care for your back
we’re gonna need another temp
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
at my child’s request I’ve been sending carrots to school for the rabbit. Today I asked to stop by the classroom where the rabbit is and discovered that the rabbit is a puppet
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
