stressed, standing 10th in line when car drives up outside w/ music so loud that whole store hears the thump of the bass
Random Guy Behind Me: I used to play music that loud but I was a teen. I grew out of it
Me: I’m just glad you hear it, too. I was afraid it was my heart beat
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
My new favorite headline
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
