*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
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“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
My dad, who was a nurse, told my mum he would absolutely not take take toddler me to the nurse’s strike picket lines and got busted when my Auntie Sue rang to tell my mum that I was on the 6 o’clock news on my dad’s shoulders, waving a little placard.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Who does Amazon think I am?
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
If I ever get married again, I’m writing my own vows. I got different shit to say this time.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.