Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.

Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game

“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit

Me: *researching sore foot*

WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?

We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.

DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are

ME: Ok

DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut

ME *lip starts trembling*

DENTIST: I see

Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.

Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox

Wife: Aw that’s nice

[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich

What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?

Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.

I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.

TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS

*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick

I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time

NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System

PLUTO: I’m back, baby!

NASA: because we found a new one!

PLUTO: SON OF A

Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”

Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am

Step 3: Return to bed

It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.

Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?

Her: I already hate where this is going

Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—

Her: *softly* no

Me: entre-manure

Her: I’m staying with my sister

[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?

Me: Make sure you close the bag.

My kids:

Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”

Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”

Nobody puts baby in a corndog.

Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a storm

No matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.

I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”

Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.

My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.

I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:

– candy 🍬🍭🍫

– parties🍕🎉🍻

– costumes👯👺👽

– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹

– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲

I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.

I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends

Stock market update:

Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok