Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too

I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists

Boss: you need to take a drug test

Me: not if you want me to do this job

angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower

Party Cat & Scaredy Cat

My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭

podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in

My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.

Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.

Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.

[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT

Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.

dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.

it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward

Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee

I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste

A guy at the bar wanted to watch a different college football game than what was on TV and the bartender told him he couldn’t change the channel because he couldn’t find the remote. I said, yeah the remote’s important, it’s a real game changer and that’s when I was asked to leave

I would like even faster food.

*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet

*watches the news*
Oh

Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!

Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.

[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years

I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.

Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.

*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.

Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them

7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches

first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?

The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time

1.

“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”

– my voicemail message

All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…