Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
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Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Me: This is the worst day of my life.
Her: Really?
Me: *pulls out a spreadsheet ranking every day of my life so far to prove it*
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.