stretching isn’t enough I need to be able to disassemble my body like legos
You Might Also Like
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
It’s completely absurd that Silicon Valley is pushing AI on us before they figured out how to keep fries fresh during takeout and delivery.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Trying to figure out if this girl from high school and her husband got divorced. I’m incredibly busy
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020