strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
