strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Frantically deleting all my negative tweets about The Hamburglar after I get a job at McDonald’s
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
