strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
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Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT