Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
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Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Changing my voicemail to “Please don’t call me, I don’t use my phone for that”
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.