Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing

*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*

I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe

I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure

me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.

my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?

Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…

Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.

💀💀💀💀

Godzilla was the first house flipper.

Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.

Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die

Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.

Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/

nature’s most graceful animal

WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral

FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate

I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.

*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”

what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off

I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.

Of course I’m English.

I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.

me: my boss is working me to the bone

my dog: hell yeah

Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed

Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid

I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.

DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER

Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.

I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.

Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?

My Husband: Raising three kids

me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?

cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail

Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?

Me: I need to go for a run to clear my head.

Also me, 500 feet down the road: OK that’s clear enough.

It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt

-gets $127 phone bill

1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance

2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month