Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
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Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Who could have predicted that allowing a a handful of billionaires to control the entire global communications system might turn out to be slightly problematic.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Super Hand Dog Face
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Breaking news:
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
