Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
You Might Also Like
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
i’m really proud of how brave i was at a haunted house last week. it makes me think maybe i should pursue my fantasy of being a war photographer
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.