Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods

Me: Ah, the elusive white penny

Cashier: That’s a button

To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.

Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…

Thank you for your time.

DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”

My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine

For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.

FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot

I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.

My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.

My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.

When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.

I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.

She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.

I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.

Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA

[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???

giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first

me: ah sorry martin

medium rat demon: come back to bed baby

I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?

all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second

There are two wolves inside you

webmd: wolf cancer

[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then

Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.

*orders delivery*

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!

*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank

Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy

People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.

Cold.