[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
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People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.
A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Three thousand years have passed. Mia’s son has merged with a sandworm and rules the wastes of Genovia as a god
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
I told my son to do something, and he gave me that ugh attitude. My daughter looked at him, “THIRTY SIX hours!” To remind him how long I was in labor with him lmao
My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.
Facebook memories be like
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Only 261 days until Oktoberfest.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?