[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
You Might Also Like
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Butt weight. There’s more!