[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
You Might Also Like
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
I’m getting into the smashed penny business. I stand near the machine and sell parents 2 quarters and a penny for 5 dollars.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
My 7 year old asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Message from the dog groomers
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?