Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.

“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”

Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.

Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.

I just can’t handle it anymore.

Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge

Sis:

M:

S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high

Cop: I can only hold you for another hour

Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!

Cop: You know I gotta work, babe

I see a badly-tied bin liner.

wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.

Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.

My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.

Nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
-The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs

Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.

Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.

If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in

Bakery worker: Can I get you something?

Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.

What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray

In England “booster shot” is spelled “borchestershire shot”.

Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.

Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.

[blind date]

HER: I love classic rock.

ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.

Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.

The perfect murder.

Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.

Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—

Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets

DOCTOR: wut brings you in today

ME: im feeling funny

*an hour later*

DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t

This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.

I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.