*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
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My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
When your parents check you’re ok.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
If you pull this stunt in front of me at security stg I’ll call the cops
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
[canadians at you, canadianly]
I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
To anyone who heard me yelling, know that I nicely asked my children 7x to get in their car seats, and they did everything but get in their seats.