*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
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Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99