*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
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Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
Dude, when’s the last time you read a book?
“shh, I’m getting mad online”
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this