*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
You Might Also Like
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Thankful that my family understands I occasionally need to leave the table because my social battery is running low and also because I have explosive diarrhea
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
When I was a kid I thought Original Sin meant that everyone had one weird sin they did in their life that no one else had done before and you had to work out what it was
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with stealing your neighbor’s car
The Children of the Corn were better with the Children of the Butter and the Children of the Salt.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
ME: I really think I could win Survivor!
ME AFTER EXPERIENCING A SLIGHT BREEZE SANS JACKET: I will never go outside again.