*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
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“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Darth Vader: “My wife is dead so l’m gonna kill a lot of people :(”
Someone: “Oh, that sucks. Who killed her?”
Darth Vader: >:(
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
they gotta bring back House and make it about House again and it’s still House and he is the exact same character except he works at Home Depot in this one
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.