Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.

*Seductively hides in the woods

“Stop hitting me.”

-Rock bottom.

ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments

This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through

Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?

“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE

Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end

In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.

My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.

My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.

I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane

Wild horses could easily drag me away.

In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.

Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?

Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.

Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA

How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?

“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”

How bout some chairs?

“That idea sucks”

A little pond to throw money in?

“Oh hell yeah”

Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.

Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?

Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.

coach: what are you doing???

me: you said do 50 singles

coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos

me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!

Me: Please throw your trash away.

Child: I’m too tired!!

Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]

If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.

if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco

LOL

[my first day as a mechanic]

customer: i need an oil change

me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change

[visit to zoo]

See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.

my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now

My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.