Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE

Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.

My colleague struggled to say “think before you speak” and kept saying “speak before you speak” and I had to physically remove myself so I wouldn’t speak before I speak.

They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.

*seductively corrects your posture*

“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.

I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.

I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…

When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.

I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles ?? The assistant said. Hardback. I said. Yeah, with little heads.

[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”

Cashier: And how are you today?

Me: Incandescent with rage. You?

[Me visiting US for the first time]

Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08

Me: Who drank all my beer?

Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.

Me: So is that a confession?

My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal

Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.

Bumping into someone you know more than once in the same supermarket visit…

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

“We really must stop meeting like this!”

Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?

[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]

Me: I have no idea.

I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough

Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore

My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO

When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”

Me: “I need big girl clothes.”

Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”

Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”

Him: “Does the couch pull out?”

Sign: Drive like your kids live here!

Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*

we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met

Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?

Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?

*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*

my New Year’s Eve plans:

– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed

*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*

“Not again.”