*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
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Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)