Strive for greatness. Do 15 pushups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Burn your ex’s house down. Eat the whole cake instead of a slice. I believe in you.
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[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Frankenstein: “Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to write a story about you!”
And thus, Frankenstein’s not-so-popular Mary Shelley biography was born.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Attention: will the owner of a small blue planet with tectonic plates please attend to your vehicle. It is overheating.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”