Strive for greatness. Do 15 pushups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Burn your ex’s house down. Eat the whole cake instead of a slice. I believe in you.
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my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
Just a phase…
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Ancient Romans: uh oh there’s someone at the door
Buffy, the Empire Slayer: knock knock
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)